These are both me. Hard to believe I was the gaunt person on the left. Even harder to believe that I liked looking like that....and that was my 'ideal weight' for a long time; even recently. But 'ideal' doesn't necessarily mean wise or healthy. In fact, our 'ideal' can sometimes be downright unhealthy and dangerous.
I had some big health issues last year, including an extremely badly damaged ankle that kept me sidelined from just about any exercise for an entire year. I was too scared to even do upper body work, because carrying the extra weights in my hands put pressure through my foot and almost brought me to tears.
So there was that, and then the rest of my body started going haywire. Random, unexplained pains, bloating, headaches, lethargy, an unexplained painful lump on my collar bone, and a whole range of other things the doctors never defined, despite having every test under the sun. And my weight increased and I felt like there was absolutely nothing I could do about it - when all the tests say 'normal', but you know something's not right, it's a difficult place to be.
Without getting right down into my dungeons of 'why', I now know why. All the physiological stuff was caused by emotional 'stuff'. As a surface explanation, my ankle wasn't healing because my life wasn't going where I needed, I couldn't hold much weight in one hand, because the pain in my collar bone felt like I was literally being weighed down. The stomach pains? Well, I wasn't listening to my gut instincts. I know that now.
I've let some things go and in clearing my head, my body is starting to heal.My weight is getting back to what I feel is a healthy place for me to be, the lump in my collar bone is going and the pain is almost gone, and I have done some long, tough hill runs the last couple of weeks, with no pain in my foot.
Throughout last year, I thought I wanted to get back to somewhere close to the weight I was in the left hand photo. My 'ideal' weight. My ideal *healthy* weight is somewhere in between where I'm at now and that photo and I'll get there, because I'm dedicated to me. How do I know that...and how am I comfortable with it? Because I'm clearing all the shit out of my head.
I'm thinking about health, not image.
I'm thinking about myself, not what anyone else wants.
I'm thinking about what is going to keep me well, and not catch every flu going around when Winter comes.
I'm thinking about my inner image of me, not what the world would have me believe I need to be, if I paid it attention.
And I wasn't really happy at the time of that photo anyway. 'Skinny' doesn't create 'happy'.
'Happy' creates wellness, mentally and physically. Of course it's not easy. If it were, we'd all be our ideal healthy weight. But as well as physically, we can carry around with us so much mental shit that unless we first get rid of that, we face an uphill battle with our physical body.
I saw this image earlier this week and I have to share it, because it makes an interesting point for all women (and men!) to note. On the site I saw this image, the claim was made that they're all the same weight. Not size. Weight. Now, whether or not they're all actually the weight the site specified is not really relevant. The point is for the average person, body image, body shape, body size really doesn't have much to do with what's on the scales. It has to do with what's in our heads.
I've been the fat girl. I've been the skinny girl.
Now I'm the ME girl and that's exactly who I should be.
Who are you? Who is the real you? What mental weight can you lose in order to be all you're meant to be, in the best possible physical package you can be....for YOU?
It's not about the scales.
